Alzheimer and I

Alzheimer and I

alzheimer copia

I dreamed I had Alzheimer’s. The weirdest thing was that I liked it. I felt the emotion of not having any memory at all, was the perfect way out of my life. Suddenly, I started asking myself all these questions about who I was, where I was and how did I get there? This place of nowhere but with no answers.

Meanwhile I noticed I was with this guy. I suppose he was a doctor because he had this long, white medical gown. Plus, his judgmental look creeped me out… I excused myself and went back to my room.

There, I found myself in a Time Machine room. There were these huge photographs with legends on them: names, dates, quotes and moments on all the walls, but Harry Potter style. You know, not static but with movement. All this stuff was telling some sort of history and took me two hours to understand it was about me. All the things that I did, how I did them and didn’t know anything about where they came from left me exhausted. Feeling everything so close and unreachable at the same time. Not being able to say what I wanted because my mouth couldn’t put together the words. I touched my face and I found myself crying. It was beautiful and sad at the same time. I just kept asking myself “How did I get here?” but still feeling relief and happy for not knowing anything.

At the end of this ‘map’ I found a book with my name on it: a logbook of my illness. Apparently I wrote about my story as soon I was losing my mind. I drew this map with pictures and descriptions while I was letting myself leave but still putting myself together with those memories. Then I discovered I was a writer. Big time, with awards and everything. There were stories that I wrote about my career, letters from friends and fans, my travels, my family and the first steps into Alzheimer’s, showing how fast Alzheimer’s can destroy you. The last thing I wrote was from a week before when, apparently, my husband and our son were visiting me. We took a picture together, and my son brought his baby girl and wife.

I was married, God knows for how long. And I had a son. Here is the thing, I don’t like marriage. Not in a billion years, so I was surprised beyond the illness because I never thought I could get married. Also, I found a letter from myself saying I have been here since my fifty-fifth birthday by my own request because I got mad in a mall, ‘Joker’ level. Despite that, people still wanted me in their lives. Suddenly, this symphonic music started playing, and I went to sleep.

When I finally woke up from the dream, I had this feeling that I can’t control life like I’ve been doing. That was why I was so relieved not knowing where I was in the dream. You know what you can do, but not how fate can work against that. Now, I have the feeling that I need to let go of some things and watch the next step because that could be the last I remember.

 

Written by Lady Johana Ospina  @LadyOspinaV

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